GREAT RELATIONS
Article with Jette Simon
''The big problem in relationships is disconnection. Here are four tips: "
From Kristelig Dagblad
Journalist: Else Marie Nygaard
The Relationship's Big Problem is the Loss of Connection. Here are four tips:
When couples therapist Jette Simon meets with couples, they are often uncertain about whether they should stay together, and their once-shared intimacy has turned into painful loneliness.
In psychologist Jette Simon's office, two dove-blue versions of Arne Jacobsen's Swan chair are present. Some might highlight the iconic design of the chairs, but when, like Jette Simon, you work with couples therapy, the most important aspect is actually the swivel base of the chairs. Here, one can turn away from each other, which is crucial for many of the couples who take a seat in the room, where a typical opening remark is: "We don't know if we should stay together or not."
It’s been 40 years since Jette Simon began her first couples therapy sessions. She was hired as a psychologist at Sundsvall Hospital in northern Sweden before she had even completed her studies in Aarhus. At that time, couples therapy wasn’t a focus in psychology education, but at the Swedish hospital, she was referred couples in need of therapeutic help.
Looking back at her notes from those early days, she sees that she often fell short. Some couples divorced, and others she referred for further assistance.
"There are certainly necessary divorces, but in many cases, divorce is used to resolve what seems like an unsolvable problem."
Today, she is one of the country’s most experienced couples therapists with an international practice. If you want to hear more about her work, you can listen to the podcast "What Do We Do Now?" (in Danish: "Hvad gør vi nu?"), which has just premiered on the podcast platform Podimo.
For more than 30 years, she has divided her time between Denmark and the USA. She is married to an American, and if it weren’t for the COVID-19 pandemic, she would have alternated between seeing clients in Copenhagen and at a practice on Fifth Avenue in New York. Now, she holds consultations with American couples via Zoom.
“We’ve developed a completely different awareness of what a good relationship means compared to when I was a young psychologist in Denmark in the 1980s, where couples could have a very high level of conflict without thinking it was something they could or should try to change.”
She sees a growing willingness today to fight for relationships, citing studies that show many people regret getting divorced. Studies among families with children in the U.S. state of Minnesota show that 40 percent have regrets, while in New Jersey, the figure is 46 percent, and in Australia, it’s 40 percent.
When a couple tells Jette Simon that they are unsure whether to stay together, she often suggests they meet a few times to gain more clarity.
“In our conversations, I pay close attention to the patterns the couple has established. Often, there are three paths they can take. They can choose to continue as they have been, which will likely lead them to grow further apart. They can separate, but they will typically carry their dysfunctional patterns into a new relationship. The third option is to wholeheartedly commit to their relationship for three months, working to understand the complexity of what has created the distance between them.”
In addition to her experience in the USA and Denmark, Jette Simon has worked with couples in South Africa, Hong Kong, Israel, and Qatar. An hour of couples therapy typically costs 1500 DKK, but she doesn’t only work with couples who can budget 20.000 DKK for a therapy process; she also works with refugees and socially vulnerable couples. Although there is a big difference between being a wealthy career family in Hong Kong and a refugee family from Afghanistan, couples in crisis share one thing in common: the loss of connection.
"One becomes lonely in their relationship, which is sorrowful. How one expresses the protest over the loss of connection can vary."
She specializes in what’s known as emotion-focused therapy, where the focus is on the couple's patterns and each individual's inner psychological patterns. She moves her office chair over to a board where she draws a model illustrating what she calls the "demon dialogue."
"My husband is late for an appointment. He’s half an hour late. That’s his behavior. This triggers feelings in me, which we psychologists refer to as reactive emotions. Outwardly, I might respond with anger or irritation and criticize his behavior, while internally, there’s a psychological pattern where I interpret his lateness and perhaps conclude that he is absent and doesn’t care about me."
But can a half-hour delay really trigger so much? It depends on the level of security in the relationship. Jette Simon roughly divides couples into two groups. The first group consists of secure relationships, where both partners know they matter to each other, and that their partner will be available, engaged, and responsive. The second group consists of insecure relationships, where one can feel uncertain and vulnerable without believing the other will come when called. The "demon dialogue" Jette Simon is illustrating on the board belongs to the insecure relationship. With a marker, she writes: "Withdraws."
"My husband sees that I’m angry and hears that I’m criticizing him, which triggers his vulnerability. He feels rejected. He interprets my criticism, which activates a feeling of inadequacy in him, and I turn up the volume, continuing to attack him verbally, which leads him to withdraw and think he can never do anything right."
When she looks at couples who often find themselves in demon dialogues, it’s about unhealthy patterns. Of course, there can be issues at work, sick children, or financial worries that challenge the relationship, but according to Jette Simon, the most important task is to find a new way to reconnect with each other.
"Couples facing difficulties in their relationship experience a loneliness that stems from mutual frustration. They’ve tried to reach out to each other, but it feels like they’re drifting in separate boats. They long for a secure connection and want to feel significant to one another. To break this loneliness, they need to be able to be vulnerable together
The Swan chairs in her office may have swivel bases, allowing partners to turn away from each other, but one of Jette Simon’s primary goals is to help couples turn towards each other
"The therapeutic work involves finding the courage to reveal and share who they truly are. It’s through vulnerability that depth is discovered; it’s where they begin to truly see themselves and each other. We might have cast each other as villains, but the real issue lies in the patterns we’ve developed."
One common pattern that needs to be addressed is avoidance. Eight out of ten men tend to withdraw when conflicts arise
"Here, the therapist's task is to get him to emotionally engage again.I often hear women say they’ve been calling out to their husbands for years before seeking therapy, and it’s easy to become exhausted from calling for so long. For women, the felt experience of their husband’s care is very important."
Recently, a couple sat in those two chairs. The woman shared that her husband had brought her tea in bed one morning. It made a strong impression on her.
"I then asked her if she could turn to her husband and tell him that."
The woman turned her chair and repeated the words. Jette Simon noticed that the man’s eyes welled up with tears, and then she asked him:
"How does it feel to hear her say that?"
She asked this because she believes it’s vital for couples to face each other in their complex and vulnerable emotions.
"When a couple can meet each other in their pain, it deepens their connection. A secure relationship is defined by being each other's safe harbor, where you can be vulnerable and come out stronger, because life is painful and isn’t just made up of Hollywood moments."
Couples who require a shorter therapy course typically need 12 to 20 sessions in the blue Swan chairs, while more extended courses can span 35 to 40 sessions
"For some, this might seem like a long process, but moving from loneliness to renewed intimacy is a journey that demands intense therapeutic work. If someone has childhood trauma or is dealing with attachment wounds like infidelity, they need time."
When a couple says their final goodbye to Jette Simon, they shouldn’t expect a relationship free of conflicts.
"In a secure relationship, a conflict can become an opportunity for deeper connection, as both partners understand what’s happening and have developed the ability to repair and apologize on their own."