GREAT RELATIONS
Article with Jette Simon
''The major problem in relationships is the loss of connection. Here are four tips:''
From Kristelig Dagblad
Journalist: Else Marie Nygaard
The major problem in relationships is the loss of connection. Here are four tips
When couples therapist Jette Simon meets with couples, they are typically uncertain about whether they should stay together, and their relationship has turned into painful loneliness.
In psychologist Jette Simon's office, there are two dove-blue versions of Arne Jacobsen’s Swan chair. Some might highlight the iconic design of the chairs, but for someone like Jette Simon, who works with couples therapy, the most important feature is actually the swivel base. Here, people can turn away from each other, and this is crucial for many of the couples who sit in the room, where a typical opening remark is: 'We don’t know if we should stay together or not.'
It’s been 40 years since Jette Simon led her first couples therapy sessions. She was hired as a psychologist at Sundsvall Hospital in northern Sweden before completing her studies in Aarhus. Couples therapy wasn’t a topic in psychology programs back then, but at the Swedish hospital, she was referred couples who needed therapeutic help.
When she reads her notes from that time, she can see that she often came up short. Some couples divorced, and others she referred for additional help.
"There are definitely necessary divorces, but in many cases, a divorce is used to solve what seems like an unsolvable problem."
Today, she is one of the country’s most experienced couples therapists and has an international presence. If you want to hear more about how she works, you can listen to the podcast "What Do We Do Now?'" which has just premiered on the podcast platform Podimo.
For more than 30 years, she has divided her time between Denmark and the USA. She is married to an American, and if it hadn’t been for the COVID-19 pandemic, she would have alternately welcomed clients in Copenhagen and in a practice on Fifth Avenue in New York. Now, she conducts consultations with American couples via Zoom on her computer.
“We have gained a completely different awareness of what a good relationship means than when I was a young psychologist in Denmark in the 1980s, when couples could have a very high level of conflict without thinking it was something they could and/or should try to change.”
She sees a willingness in society to fight for relationships and refers to studies showing that many regret their divorce. Studies among families with children in the American state of Minnesota show that 40 percent regret, while the number in New Jersey is 46 percent, and in Australia, it is also 40 percent.
When a couple tells Jette Simon that they are unsure whether to stay together, she often suggests they meet a couple of times to gain more clarity.
“In the conversation, I pay attention to the patterns the couple has created. Often, there are three paths one can take. One can choose to live as they have been and will then drift further apart. One can separate, and typically, they will bring their dysfunctional patterns into a new relationship. The third option is to wholeheartedly give their relationship three months, during which they work to understand the complexity of what has created distance in the relationship.”
In addition to her experience in the USA and Denmark, Jette Simon has worked with couples in South Africa, Hong Kong, Israel, and Qatar. A one-hour couples therapy session typically costs 1,500 kroner, but she does not only work with couples who have 20,000 kroner in their budget for a program; she also works with refugees and socially disadvantaged couples. Although there is a significant difference between being a wealthy career family in Hong Kong and a refugee family from Afghanistan, couples in crisis have one thing in common: the loss of connection.
“People have become lonely in their relationships, which is sorrowful. How one expresses protest over the loss of connection can vary.”
She specializes in so-called emotion-focused therapy, which focuses on the couple's patterns and the individual's inner psychological patterns. She rolls her office chair over to a board where she draws a model illustrating what she calls the “demon dialogue.”
“My husband is late for an appointment. He’s half an hour late. That’s his behavior. It evokes some feelings in me, which we psychologists call reactive feelings. Externally, I might react with anger or irritation, and I criticize his behavior. At the same time, there’s an inner psychological pattern within me where I interpret his lateness and might conclude that he is absent and indifferent to me.”
But can a half-hour delay really trigger so much? It depends on the level of security in the relationship. Jette Simon roughly divides couples into two groups. One group consists of secure relationships, where each partner knows that they matter to one another, and that their partner will be available, engaged, and responsive. The other group consists of insecure relationships, where one may feel uncertain and vulnerable without believing that the other will respond when called. The “demon dialogue” that Jette Simon is elaborating on the board belongs to the insecure relationship. With a marker, she writes: “Withdraws.”
“My husband sees that I am getting angry, and he hears that I am criticizing him, which triggers his vulnerability. He feels rejected. He interprets my criticism, activating a feeling of inadequacy in him, and I turn up the music and continue to attack him verbally, which leads him to withdraw and think that he can never do well enough.”
When she looks at couples who often find themselves in demon dialogues, it is about unhealthy patterns. Naturally, there may be problems at work, sick children, or financial worries that challenge the partnership, but according to Jette Simon, the most important task is to find a new way back to each other.
“Couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship feel a loneliness that is a mutual frustration. They have tried to connect with each other, but they feel like they are sailing in different boats. They long for secure contact and want to feel that they matter to one another. To break the loneliness, they must be able to be vulnerable together.”
The Swan chairs do have a swivel base, and it is an important outlet to be able to turn away from one’s partner, but one of Jette Simon’s goals is for the couple to turn toward each other.
“The therapeutic work is about finding the courage to feel and share who they really are. It is in vulnerability that depth emerges; here, one feels oneself and one another. Perhaps we have made each other into villains, but the problem is the patterns one has fallen into.”
One of the patterns that needs to be addressed is avoidance. Eight out of ten men withdraw when conflicts arise.
“Here, it is the therapist’s job to get him to engage emotionally again. I hear women say that they have called for their husbands for eight years before the couple comes to me, and it can be quite exhausting to call for so long. For women, the felt experience of their husband’s care is very important.”
Recently, a couple sat in the two chairs. The woman shared that her husband had brought her tea in bed that morning. It had made a strong impression on her.
“So, I tell her to turn to her husband and say that to him.”
The woman turned her chair and repeated the words. Jette Simon noticed that the man’s eyes filled with tears, and then she asked him:
“How does it feel to hear her say that?”
She asked this question because she believes it is important for the couple to meet face to face in complex, vulnerable emotions.
“If the couple can meet in pain, it deepens the connection. A secure relationship is characterized by being each other’s safe haven, where one can be vulnerable and then go out into the world strengthened, because life is painful and is not solely made up of Hollywood moments.”
Couples who need a short-term process should expect 12 to 20 sessions in the blue Swan chairs, while longer-term processes extend over 35 to 40 visits.
“For some, that may sound like a long journey, but moving from loneliness to renewed togetherness is a process that requires intense therapeutic work, and if one has childhood trauma or struggles with attachment ruptures such as infidelity, one needs time.”
When a couple says goodbye to Jette Simon for the last time, they should not expect a relationship free from conflicts.
“In a secure relationship, a conflict can become an entry point for deepening, as both parties understand what is happening, and they have built the ability to repair things themselves and apologize.”