GREAT RELATIONS
World Economic Forum podcasthost Soulaima Gourani interviews
Great Relations owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn
Do women care more about relationships than men?
In this article taken from a podcast interview presented to 200 members of the
World Economic Forum's Young Global leaders Alumni
we discover if there is a difference between men and women's approach to relationships,
and what it takes for women to make a man feel safe talking about emotions.
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
I don’t know many women who do not care about relationships, and it is something we often talk about when we women gather. Like “How is your relationship with her or him?” and “How is this partnership at work going?” Vibeke, does today’s audience (more women than men) represent that this is something we as women care more about than men?
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
We made this online platform Great Relations for couples and individuals, and especially to reach women for whom it’s quite difficult to make their partner join them in a therapy room with a therapist. It can be difficult for many women when they find they need a therapist for their relationship to get the partner to come. So, we made this platform so that they as a couple can explore what therapy is about. Sitting in front of a computer and doing the exercises will calm the mans nervesystem like: “Oh is it just that?”, and yes, it is! A lot of men do not like to show privacy with a stranger which is of cause what a therapist is in the beginning. No matter where you come from, whatever religion or background men are not really brought up to talk about their feelings or to show up for their partner this way. They are brought up to say, “Allright so this happened, let’s move on - why do we need to talk about it?”
Of course, I am generalizing, but we see this even in the younger generations of men. So, I believe as women we must understand that this is what a lot of men/partners will come with, and we have to acknowledge that. Sometimes we have to be the ones who start alone in therapy. But what we all need to do, even when we don’t want to involve a therapist, is that we must start talking about our feelings and reactions to what is happening in our relationships at work as well as in our private life. This is what we need to learn in our workplace as well in our relationship: to be more open about what is really going on -on the inside.
Because if we don’t do that, a lot of unhealthy things will happen -we will argue more, feel more lonely. And I’d like to share with you- when a relationship goes wrong, what are the factors leading to that? I’m sure you can all recognize what I am about to say: If deep communication has stopped between you and your partner, if you feel you have lost connection and contact, well you might still talk to each other – but not about what is happening on the inside, not expressing your needs, desires and dreams. You have lost contact, and that is why we as therapists will support you in trying to connect again as a couple. Connect you to your own feelings and your partners feelings to find trust– that is what therapy is about.
If you feel lonely, even though you are within a family or a partnership, if you do not feel safe, if you feel like your partner is constantly trying to verbally attack you, or do not really care about you – therapy can help you unfold all these feelings and with the therapist, find a way to be heard by your partner in a connecting emotional safe way.
And can I just say: men have just as many feeling as women. They have just as much desire to have a healthy relationship. A lot of men are just not socialized into talking about feelings as much as women - but they have the same feelings and wishes for a great long-term relationship as most women have.
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani:
Speaking of men,is it okay to say that women seem to have unrealistic expectations to what a man should provide emotionally in a relationship? Are women expecting too much of men?
Great Relations.dk owner and therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
I have to generalize of course: but women seem to be born with the "bug of perfection." We as women love to strive for perfection in ourselves and in others, and we become critical to other people -men and woman- when perfection is not met. And I’m saying it’s a bug – something that bothers - because it is unhealthy for us and every relationship we enter. That is why we have to listen to the research results about what makes a long-term relationship.
You must come down from your high horse and be more patient with other people. As therapists we see this a lot in couples, families and individuals. And now I’m speaking to the women: a lot of men might stay with you, but they have checked out of the relationship because you are too critical. As a therapist I am trying to urge women not to be too critical when they speak, or the men will disappear emotionally in the relationship or run away from the criticism.
So, we have to stop being so critical, and before we can stop being critical with our partner, we have to stop being critical with ourselves. Acknowledge what is already okay and be happy about that. Relationship is not about perfection – it’s about how you connect on an emotional level, and we do that by listening and by acknowledging what the other person has to offer. Be more thankful and grateful. I have had to learn to come down from my high horse perfection and be grateful that I am married to one of the best men in the world. And I think I deserve to be married to this great man, but at the same time I am so grateful because I know so many people do not have what I have.
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
You ask us to speak more positively and you yourself say “I have the best man.”
I believe you can talk life into your relationship or death into your relationship. Whatever you say becomes a reality, right? I speak of experience, that the more I talk to my husband about how fantastic he is, how great he looks and how thankful I am - and the less I talk about him not cleaning and doing what I ask of him - everything just gets better in our relationship. It’s a very simple way to make your relationship strong.
My husband makes me coffee even before I open my eyes. And every morning I think to myself - I don’t tell him - that I decide to love this human with every cell and bone in my body today, no matter what happens. And not every day is a good day, but you can decide to stay married, if it is a healthy marriage.
Great Relations.dk owner and therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
I think we should stop looking for easy and start looking for gratefulness in what we have in a healthy relationship – because so many people don’t have that.
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani:
Building on your last point of view: what are the best practices you would recommend for us to hold space and encourage in our men to make them share their feelings?
Vibeke Hartkorn:
We have to meet each other where we are and show more interest in whatever interests our partner has, and engage in those interests. We know from relationship research that when you "A:R:E there for me" meaning Accessible, Responsive, Engaged – then you experience a more balanced and healthy relationship.
So being accessible, responsive and engaged is showing up. It could be about our partner expressing a wish and we actually respond instead of just saying “okay, hmm, yeah yeah”. You respond and show true interest because it is something you know interests your partner. And that is a choice you make that is not always based on your own needs. You are not just looking out for yourself you are looking out for your relationship- for your partner. So be responsive and answer when someone is trying to tell you something that is of importance to them. Be interested in what might not interest yourself. That is one step you can take to be "A:R:E- there for you"
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
My husband is very much into European soccer, and we are in US, so the matches are usually in a very inconvenient time zone...
Vibeke Hartkorn:
You have to watch a game with him!
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani:
I do. I have learned to ask him “Any soccer matches this weekend I need to be aware of?” and me just asking him makes it less important for him to actually watch the game. We never really do date nights, like long dinners and stuff- never done that...
Great Relations.dk owner and therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
You might want to start because you have children moving out soon. And I know that some of you listening might have children who are about to start their adult lives away from home. A lot of couples get into relationship trouble when the children leave, because “What do we have in common now that the children are gone?” The couple have been caring more about them as a family than them as a love couple. If so, there is often arising a huge feeling of loneliness when the children leave. And it especially hit women hard because they have put everything into the motherhood thing, and they didn’t put so much time and effort into the marriage. So, remember to do things together before the kids move out because then it becomes a habit and won’t feel strange when the children are out of the house. Don’t think you can maintain a relationship when you don’t do activities together. Having deep conversations, seeing the world together and experiencing together, maybe find a common hobby you can share. It’s extremely important otherwise your relationship often will not last or suffer.
Make space for those shared times together when children are not there, friends and family and not here, when you are not occupied with your phone or computer - when you are just together the two of you. Make that space for each other, because connection doesn’t just come. You have to make space for it. We need to remind each other sometimes that it is important.
ABOUT THE GUEST
Vibeke Hartkorn is a trained therapist within the EFT: Emotional Focused Therapy psychotherapy educated by the world renowned Danish- American psychologist and EFT trainer and researcher Jette Simon. The EFT focus is on supporting couples in strengthening their relationship, even when differences and conflict occur, so that they become more available, responsive and connected with each other.
In couples therapy, through the support of the therapist, the partners will be able to achieve an emotionally safe contact where they can meet each other with empathy and interest, as opposed to the defences and conflicts they have otherwise been stuck in. The same methods and advice you can find with an EFT therapist, is the universe Great Relations offers for individuals or couples through online self development exercises and reflections.
ABOUT THE PODCAST INTERVIEWER
Soulaima Gourani is of Danish- Moroccan origin and a software start up entrepreneur based in Silicon Valley USA. She has an extended career with the world’s most high-ranking corporations and is active on several boards and a sought-after international speaker. Gourani has received several prestigious international leadership and thought thinker awards and travels the world as a business ambassador especially in the capacity of being one of the most active members of the World Economic Forum's Young Global Leaders Alumni.