GREAT RELATIONS
World Economic Forum podcasthost Soulaima Gourani interviews
Great Relations owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn
5 ingredients to a healthy love relationship
In this article, taken from a podcast interview presented to 200 members of the World Economic Forum's Young Global Leaders Alumni, we discuss the mindset of singles who want to find a partner, and what it takes to develop a great, healthy, and long-lasting relationship
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
What if I’m not married but really want to be? Many people find themselves single despite their desire for a relationship. Do you have any advice for them?
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
The problem with the way many of us live today is that many don’t feel they need a partner. Many people are self-sufficient and can take care of themselves both emotionally and economically. As singles, we can do whatever we want. We feel free. But, of course, everyone needs connection. Regardless of what’s going on in your life, we all need to feel connected.
Some people feel connected to their friends and family, and that is enough for them. Others, however, feel the need to be connected to a partner—not only because of the sexual aspect but because we need to feel that we are going through life with someone who is attentive to what is happening to us. As human beings, we need to feel that we are not alone—that someone is walking this life’s path with us.
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
It’s about having a life witness!
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
Yes, that’s why many single people are frustrated - they don’t need a spouse or partner, but at the same time, they yearn for connection. However, being in a relationship is not the only way to feel connected. Even having just one close friend can often fullfeed a need.
Podcasthost Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
Many years ago, I had a friend who presented me with a contract she wanted me to sign. It stipulated that we needed to have one dinner a month and that I had to call her every two weeks. It was so much fun, and she was very clear about it: “This relationship matters to me, so let’s sign a contract”.
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
Don’t think there is something wrong with you if you don’t have a sexual relationship with someone. It is not the only way to feel connected. Because we do live in societies around the globe where we are constantly being nudged to have to marry or start a long-term relationship. And that being the only way is just not true.
Try to find the deep connection you are longing for in your friendships, family or even among your colleagues.
Podcast host Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
What is the secret behind great relationships?
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
I believe you must find out when you meet someone if you have shared values. There needs to be a basic platform before you can enter a relationship. You can be very different and lead different lives, but you need to share the most important values. Otherwise, the relationship is not going to be successful and may break. So, look for those shared values and dreams.
And you need to be a team. All of you in corporate life know that a company cannot succeed unless you establish teamwork. You must have a common goal and reach it as a team. It is the same in a romantic relationship.
Last week, I had a therapy session with a couple who are going through a tough situation within their extended family. It is a really disturbing situation for them. In the first 15 minutes, I worked to establish that they are truly a great team as a couple. They can come together when they face difficulties as a team, understand each other’s needs, and build on each other’s strengths.
Next, you need to be good friends. What will make your relationship last a long time is the friendship. It’s great to be in love, and you should nurture those dating moments, but first and foremost, you need to be friends. You might have friends within your family or at work, and you need that kind of friendship in your relationship too—one where you show respect, true interest, and maintain boundaries.
You must also learn how to compromise. This brings challenges because you need to embrace the things you don’t understand about your partner, acknowledge them, and live with them. When you are single, you get quite comfortable doing things your way. But this is what you have to learn: you can’t have everything your way. You need to listen to the other person - What do my partner need in the relationship to stay with me?
Lastly, you need to go through difficulties and crises. Don’t try to avoid them but be grateful it also happens in your relationship. If you can resolve difficult times again and again, you will become stronger as a couple. That is what will give you a long-lasting relationship.
My friend asked me what I have learned about my own relationship after becoming a therapist. Such a great question. What I have learned is that I’m embracing what I don’t understand about him much more than before. I have become much more tolerant and patient. We are both strong personalities, and we could pick a fight every day if we do not stop ourselves.
Fighting is not always a bad thing, if you are able to regulate each other and yourself back to balance quickly. You need to resolve, laugh about it and move on. We don’t wait days or months making up, which is what happened in my last marriage . And I had to leave that relationship because it was so unhealthy for me not resolving quickly, but go for days or weeks without communicating what was really going on - on the inside. And it was devastating to our relationship and to my soul and my health.
Podcast host Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
What does it take to have a long-term relationship?
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
What we know from research will help long-term relationships is that you must dream together and talk about the future. And Soulaima I know you are good at that. You and your husband sit down once a year and talk about your dreams as a couple and as individuals and what you should do about that in the future.
Podcast host Soulaima Gourani, World Economic Forum, Young Global Leaders Alumni:
I don’t have a healthy perspective on what a healthy relationship is because I never grew up with that. But he does. So, one of us knows what a roadmap to a healthy relationship looks like.
Brian and I are very different and come from different social backgrounds. We didn’t know that a healthy marriage is built on shared values and aligned dreams. So, we did a lot of work on defining our core values.
Every New Year’s Day, we sit down and answer three questions:
- What was the highlight of this year?
- What was the low point?
- How do you want to spend your time, money, and resources next year?
These questions define next year’s goals, and I believe that if you want to achieve anything in your life (as a couple or an individual), you can only focus on one big thing. We have limited resources (money, energy, health) and can only do so much. But if you choose one big goal together every year, you will most likely achieve it—and that’s what we do.
Great Relations.dk owner and EFT therapist Vibeke Hartkorn:
So, I have one question for everyone listening to this podcast: When was the last time you sat down with your partner and asked the same kind of curious questions that you asked each other at the beginning of your relationship?
We tend not to do that after a while, and I’m talking about the deep questions:
- What are your dreams?
- What has been important in your life?
- What do you think of yourself?
- What in your past has impacted your life?
We need to get back to doing that because it brings more empathy, patience, understanding, love, and connection.
We encourage you to have deep conversations, where you ask and answer all the important questions. It will help you remember, “Oh, that’s why I fell in love with him or her.”
That’s why our platform, GreatRelations.dk, offers self-led programs with exercises that include great questions for you and your partner to share.
The 5 ingredients
1. Have Shared Values
A strong relationship is built on shared core values. These values act as a foundation and help ensure that both partners are aligned in their goals and dreams. Understanding and agreeing on fundamental beliefs and priorities can strengthen your connection and guide your decisions together.
2. Be a Team
Success in a relationship requires teamwork. Just as in any successful venture, a couple must work together towards common goals and support each other. Facing challenges and celebrating successes as a team fosters unity and strengthens your partnership.
3. Be Good Friends
Friendship is a key ingredient for a lasting relationship. While romantic love is important, maintaining a strong friendship with mutual respect and understanding is crucial. This includes sharing interests, supporting each other, and enjoying each other’s company, which helps to deepen your bond.
4. Learn How to Compromise
Compromise is essential in any relationship. Being willing to adjust your expectations and find middle ground helps manage conflicts and maintain harmony. It’s important to show empathy and consider your partner’s needs to find solutions that work for both of you.
5. Go Through Difficulties and Crises Together
Facing challenges and crises together can actually strengthen your relationship. Rather than avoiding problems, welcome them. Working through difficulties together builds resilience and a deeper connection, helping you to grow stronger as a couple.
ABOUT THE GUEST
Vibeke Hartkorn is a trained therapist within the EFT: Emotional Focused Therapy psychotherapy educated by the world renowned Danish- American psychologist and EFT trainer and researcher Jette Simon. The EFT focus is on supporting couples in strengthening their relationship, even when differences and conflict occur, so that they become more available, responsive and connected with each other.
In couples therapy, through the support of the therapist, the partners will be able to achieve an emotionally safe contact where they can meet each other with empathy and interest, as opposed to the defences and conflicts they have otherwise been stuck in. The same methods and advice you can find with an EFT therapist, is the universe Great Relations offers for individuals or couples through online self development exercises and reflections.
ABOUT THE PODCAST INTERVIEWER
Soulaima Gourani is of Danish- Moroccan origin and a software start up entrepreneur based in Silicon Valley USA. She has an extended career with the world’s most high-ranking corporations and is active on several boards and a sought-after international speaker. Gourani has received several prestigious international leadership and thought thinker awards and travels the world as a business ambassador especially in the capacity of being one of the most active members of the World Economic Forum's Young Global Leaders Alumni.